From:
Alexa Tsoulis-Reay

Sent:
4/18/2018 4:40:44 PM

To:
"Jamie Shupe" <jamie.shupe@yahoo.com>

Cc:

Subject: Re: Question Opus

Hi Jamie, oh wow thank you so much for getting back to me so fast! I'm reading them now and will likely have a few
more soon
Thank you again, so much!
On Thu, Apr 19, 2018 at 7:29 AM, Jamie Shupe <jamie.shupe@yahoo.com> wrote:
Answers below. Please send back a note that you received these answers back.
Thanks!
Jamie

On Tuesday, April 17, 2018, 10:57 PM, Alexa Tsoulis-Reay <findingnorms@gmail.com> wrote:

Hey there!
Thank you again for this -- I have been working hard on my chapter about you/"the binary" + as you'll see this is a pretty mixed bag :-) ...As usual please feel free to tell me as
much as you like (no such thing as too much) if any of these questions seem odd/need context please do ask (i have tried to include it where necessary..as you'll see most
relate to places where I want to flesh out scenes/or summarize key moments accurately...)
Q. As I was writing I realized that I have never asked you how you felt when you were in the Times transgender lives story (when you were living as a woman)?
A. Yes, when newly living as a trans woman. It felt great to be in the prestigious NYT - America's paper of record - and have that essay published. But in hindsight it was just
more of getting sucked in for the transgender cause. Looking back, I can clearly see a pattern of behavior where a lot of newly transitioned people feel like they need to do
things to help advance transgenderism. Same applies to coming out as gay and activism. You can find hordes of the trans people volunteering in places like Reddit's
/r/asktransgender, where they volunteer their time to answer questions about trans health and transitioning. I started my website originally for that reason, like I talked about in
the "You can't feel like a girl" essay. I actually regret writing that NYT first essay now. It was too early in my understanding of myself and the cause to be jumping in like I did.
Q. I was also curious if that was your first mainstream media appearance/appearance in a newspaper/magazine article?
A. Yes. Largely a nobody up until that point.
Q. I'd really like to capture why it was important to you to speak publicly, and if it was a hard thing for you to do that very first time (if that was the first time...?) Did you have any
doubts about it, do you remember how you got in contact with the reporter who did the story? I'd love to hear as much as you can remember or feel like sharing...

A. Answered some of this above. No doubts at the time of submitting it. While doing some website updates I saw the Times soliciting trans people and I thought: why not? It
seemed like the perfect place and time to come out publicly to everyone, including my family. I really no longer cared if my family or society accepted or rejected me, I was now
living my truth. Plus, I knew my excellent service record would help the trans military cause.
It’s important to understand my indoctrinated mindset back then was all I had to do was switch over my body’s hormone fuel from testosterone to estrogen, then get some
surgeries to correct nature’s mistakes. I was the victim of a birth defect that society doesn't understand. Once done transitioning, I’d be the woman I always was since birth;
that’s what I’d been taught by transgender ideology to believe at that phase of my life and transition.
But yet I was also troubled by common sense questions being asked in all of this by women described as TERFs. Like, if I was a female all along since birth, then why would I
need to transition? I was also becoming more and more aware of how I and other trans women were using sex stereotypes to transition and claim we were women.
At certain times essays can effortlessly flow out of me, like that one did. It was like I knew what to say and had been just waiting for an opportunity to say it. I spent less than an
hour writing it. All of my published essays are like that; they just come to me and I suddenly pound them out in one session. The only exception was the 10,000 plus word "You
can't feel like a girl" essay, which took a couple days to write.
In another twisted way that first NYT essay was catapulting myself far above the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, while I was living in Pittsburgh, because I had reached out several
times to their reporters covering trans issues, offering to participate in a trans military story, and they totally blew me off. These same reporters also blew me off when I had a
major incident trying to use a female bathroom and they wouldn’t cover that story either. I got the vibe that I wasn’t a local pretty transsexual and that I’d failed to surgically
transition and confirm my gender. So it felt great to be able to say “fuck you, I don’t need to be in your rag, because I’m in The New York Times!” I went straight to the top, right
over their heads.

Q. Just a small narrative detail, where had you been on tour when you first met Sandy at the army base in Kentucky?
A. My first four year tour was Pirmasens, Germany for 2 years. Then 18 months at Fort Knox where I met her. We fell for each other really fast soon after I arrived there.

Q. Because your use of the internet is obviously so important to your story I would really love to be able to pinpoint/flesh out when you first used the Internet for chat + started
using webcams etc, am I right that this was back in Germany around the time that you had started trying out feminine dress?...I'd love to know what city you were in, and any
and all :-) details you can recall about how you came across #TVSEX...
I first started using bulletin boards and chat rooms at Fort Hood, Tx. on a Commodore 64 with a 300 baud modem in the late 80s. That quickly progressed to Windows
machines that I figured out how to assemble myself, but during that time it seemed like they were obsolete every 6 months. I blew massive amounts of money on those
systems. All of this early involvement with computers was either to help with work and for viewing or reading straight sex pornography.
By the time we got to Germany in 1995 I’d graduated to far more powerful Intel Pentium systems running Windows 95 that could power webcams. Both me and Sandy liked the
webcams and we would often have sex in front of groups of men or pair up online with another couple, taking turns performing and watching. This occurred using what was
called IRC (Internet Relay Chat). The software was MIRC and Cuseeme. Because we were in Germany, our online bill for the metered bandwidth sometimes went as high as
$600 per month.
As I began to stumble across the trans rooms in IRC like #TVSEX, I was very drawn to them, but terrified at the same time. By then I was a staff sergeant and had been
exposed to the regulations on transvestism, so I knew this was career ending stuff. But the more I allowed myself to experiment the more right it felt. I also began to develop
severe gender dysphoria because for the first time I began to realize that I identified in a submissive female role with men, especially during sex.
It was both a liberating and terrible time. As the dysphoria worseneded I became terribly distressed about not having breasts and about my body hair, which I began to shave

off. But the fear of shaving it off then distressed me because I was terrified someone at work would notice it during fitness training or in the showers during a field exercise.
This was happening during the height of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell ejections from the military. More people got discharged after the inititian of DADT policy than they did before it
was implemented.
Eventually I and Sandy started shopping in the German towns around base in second hand or department stores for female clothing for me. Skirts, heels, tops, bras, panties,
wigs etc. The clothing was more regular wear type stuff rather than over the top hyper feminine bedroom gear. I was elated to find a pair of breast forms one day in a sex shop
in Mannheim.
After getting all the clothing to actually dress like a woman, I started dressing up on Saturday mornings on the webcam, showing off and teasing men. And sometimes I would
toss it all in a little carry bag and drive to a distant town miles away and wear the items in a small adult theater I'd discovered on the second floor of a sex shop. The men loved
it, but I didn’t do much more than let them admire, touch, or fondle me because I was terrified of catching HIV or other STDs.
On one occasion, a gay man that I would let touch and fondle me surprised me on a later visit with a pair of sexy underwear. But they weren't women's panties. I could clearly
tell that although he meant well with the gift, he didn't understand me.
As the dressing up activities progressed Sandy became less and less supportive, sometimes even scolding me. It reached the point where I didn’t tell her what I was doing
and she no longer asked. But all of it really ramped up my fears and anxiety of getting kicked out of the military. I used to suddenly panic when going onto base that I hadn’t
gotten all of the makeup off, or that I’d get stopped by the police and they’d find the clothing and wig in the car trunk. I never took the stuff onto base because the gate guards
could search you or your car at any time. I was living in the U.S. Government housing area nearby, but outside the base itself.
By the time I reached my last duty station of Fort Drum, NY, I’d stopped dressing up on the webcam. My daughter was now older and unpredictable and nosy. I’d also gotten
another major promotion. I was now a senior NCO with lots of responsibilities. But I did eventually meet a local guy in Watertown online. He ran an area motel and once or
month or so I’d go to his apartment there and dress up for him. But just like the theater situation in Germany the sex was very low key and heavily on the safe side. I always
used condoms and never did let a guy penetrate me until the boyfriend in Portland, long after I’d retired.
Back then I had no idea about Blanchard and Bailey’s theories and opinions on my behavior like I do now, and I still don’t care what they or other researchers think. Despite
how LGBT literature teaches that your sexual orientation is who you go to bed with and your gender identity is who you wake up as, I have great difficulty separating the two. I
don’t fantasize about myself as a female with men, I instead feel like I am one in nature’s traditional role. I’m the submissive, receptacle partner that gets mated. The dominant
male mating role feels unnatural for me. It's not me getting on the fantasy of myself as a woman during sex like guys like these claim. It's much deeper and more biological than
that.

Q. Building on the question above, I'd love to hear more about those online explorations...did you chat with men online in feminine mode/present as a woman? Did you show
yourself on webcams in feminine dress -- anything you can tell me that would help capture how this experimentation fit into your life (as well as how you felt when you were
doing it) would be so helpful...
A. I think you got this above? If not ask more pointed stuff from that.

Q. In the mind 90s, when things were starting to really come unglued for you, is it correct that you went to army base shrinks who put you on antidepressants?
A. Yes. In Germany they put me on an antidepressant. I was so terrified of getting kicked out the stress was killing me. And if I tried ignoring the feelings I was having then the
dysphoria was equally killing me. Even worse was the major MST (military sexual trauma) incident I had in 1996 during my advanced NCO course where the instructor and
some of my classmates were harassing me for being gay. I had no doubt they were trying to end my career. They just pegged me as gay and started in on me.

I talked about that in this NPR podcast.
http://www.wbur.org/npr/556116385/nature-nurture-and-our-evolving-debates-about-gender
Q. And was this Prozac and Fluoxetine ( at different times.) was wondering if there's a scene that really captures how anxious/unsettled you were becoming, also, I was
curious this was when you started to have the terrible nightmares, right?
A. Fluoxetine is the generic name for Prozac. But, yes, that's what I was put on. This was when I started having nightmares about getting attacked and acting out the dreams. I
was anxious, depressed, having panic attacks. I was terribly overworked too.
Q. Did the army shrink also diagnose you with REM sleep disorder (anything you can tell me about how they handled your symptoms would be so very helpful...)
A. I have no clue what they diagnosed me with, they never told me. They just questioned me and gave me the drugs. I of course couldn’t talk about anything other than my
symptoms because the doctors report everything to your commander. Which would have gotten me kicked out. It was illegal to be gay or transgender. Harassing or suspecting
people for it was not only accepted but well tolerated back then. I also told them about my sexual abuse, but they didn't seem very interested.

Q. Still in the same era here...I'd love to be able to flesh out what you told me about how scary it was worrying about people in the military finding out about your weekend
experiments with feminine dress, I recall you mentioned that you'd get vibes from some of your colleagues that felt as if they thought you were gay, I'd love to know a bit more
about this..Did people say anything? Was it more of an attitude? I'd also really love to make it clear how sex/gender had become intertwined in the minds of people then (as
now!) ...did you feel like if people found out that you had been experimenting with female dress they would automatically assume you were gay?
A. I think I got most of this above, but yes, gay was the only thing on everyone's radar for the most part. Few people back then understood or had exposure to
transsexualism/transgenderism. And yes, as described above, I was verbally harassed. The advanced course instructor also did some things that could be easily construed as
deliberate attempts to sabotage my career progression, such as lying on an evaluation about my drill and ceremony performance. He signed off on on a low rating that
occurred on a day that he wasn't even at work. He then used it to stop me from being the Distinguished Honor Graduate of the class at graduation, despite me having the
highest academic average in my class for the course.
The closest thing I ever saw to anyone getting in trouble for transgender related issues in all the years I served was at my first duty station in Germany. We had a guy get his
ears pierced in multiple locations and within a very short time he was quickly and quietly discharged. Gay stuff was frequent and severe. A few years later I witnessed an NCO
on my maintenance team get discharged within 48 hours after a fight with his roommate during which he was accused of being gay. The battalion sergeant major took great
pleasure in getting rid of him. Watching these things and others play out really ramped up my anxiety to the point that I ultimately developed PTSD from living in fear for all
those years.

Q. Likewise, when you were in the military and questioning your sexuality what did you find attractive about men then, and also what do you find attractive about them now?
A. See my response above about how it just felt natural to be with men in regards to sex, but at the same time I cringed and still do when it comes to the toxic masculinity a lot
of them display. I wasn’t into the military's killing culture and had no love for blowing up, shooting, or destroying things. While I was an excellent soldier, I didn’t fit into the
masculine male military culture. I’m the same now as I was then, nothing's changed about that.
Q. Again I ask this so I can really open people's eyes about the restrictive nature of the binary as it pertains to gender AND sexuality ...do you remember when you started to
identify as pansexual, or think about that as a sexual identity?
A. I didn’t start to identify as pansexual until I started getting exposed to the trans community in Pittsburgh in 2014. I’m attracted to pre-op trans women and cis men, but not

trans men. I guess that makes me transphobic, but human biology is a real thing.

Q. This is just a small narrative detail, but because it's such a key moment for you I feel like it's important to dwell on it a bit. Do you remember what sort of feminine clothes you
would shop for with Sandy in Germany? Do you remember where you would shop?
A. Got that above.
Q. Was the stigma such that you felt you had to have her there so people wouldn't assume you were buying them for yourself (again I think this is so important to show the
stranglehold of masculine standards..)
A. Near base I actually had her there to protect my career. But in places I felt safe, I was bold enough to shop alone. I still am. I often don’t fear what others think or let them stop
me from doing something unless personal safety comes into play. Like when I got a curly hair perm when I was a teenager.
Q. I'd also love to be as precise as possible about the fake breasts that you got -- did you buy them from an adult store or did you make them yourself/DIY? :-)
A. I bought them from an adult store after a bunch of frustrating attempts to make them out of things like small balloons filled with gel. The Internet recipes didn't work very well.
Luckily I found an inexpensive pair of cheap, soft plastic breast forms because Sandy wouldn’t have tolerated me spending hundreds of dollars on an expensive set.
Even though I don’t have a lot of breast growth now from the hormones, what I do have feels really right and natural. I would never get breast implants, nor would I date
someone who has them. I hate fake things.

Q. Did you have a special type of wig that you preferred to wear, or did you experiment with different styles?
A. I could never afford the really high end wigs which can approach $1,000. The majority of the ones I’ve owned were second hand synthetics. I lucked into finding a few that
were in the $300 range. I did experiment quite a bit and settled on short length, slightly curled on the ends, with blonde colors. Slang term of dirty blonde. I think dark blonde,
shoulder length looks most natural with my complexion and facial features. Reference the picture available on Google images of me in front of the Portland VA downtown.

Q. Again I ask as I want to really contextualize the gravity of this (back in the days before anonymous online shopping, etc etc..)
A. Understood.

Q. After your injury in 2000 (and did I get that date right?)
A. Injury was February, 1999. Retired as a result in August, 2000 after I refused surgery for it. At that point I was done. I was reaching the point where I didn't care what
happened to my career. Some of my superiors wanted to keep me despite the injury because of my high job performance, but I was just done with the whole hateful military
experience.

Q. it is correct to say that you medically retired from the army? For some reason I have lost my notes about where you were working when you left the army (warehouse
logistics manager, right?) I'd love to know a tiny bit more about what you were doing in that job (and where in the country you were, etc) just to help the narrative flow...

A. The Army gave me a full retirement under TERA (Temporary Early Retirement Authority) in lieu of disability from Fort Drum, NY for 18 years of service. I lost 7 1/2% of my
retirement pay for leaving two years early.
I was the MCS (Maintenance Control Supervisor) for the Main Support Battalion. I was a senior NCO, an E7/Sergeant First Class at the time. An E7 on an enlisted ratings
scale of E1 to E9. The maintenance facility was the size of a Super Walmart store and I was the head enlisted leader. There were like 11 repair shops and a tech supply
warehouse inside with several hundred people working there. It’s where the infantry and all the other units got their equipment repaired. It was super stressful with constant
worries about safety and environmental issues. More work than hours to do the work. I was the head supervisor responsible for hundreds of people and countless millions of
dollars of equipment, facilities, and supplies for which the Army was paying me a whopping $28,000 per year. I left hurt and mentally disabled from the PTSD with a $966 per
month pension to support my family on. I was the number two senior enlisted person in the unit with this job. Whenever my boss was gone I stepped into the number one role of
unit first sergeant, an E8 position. They gave me a Meritorious Service Medal when I retired, my second such award.

Q. Am I also right that this is where your anxiety really got out of control? Was this also around the same time (2000-2003) that you had that awful panic attack at the naval
base?
A. I had started having panic attacks in the mid 90s from the fear of discovery and discharge and job stress. Some of the panic attacks turned into pseudo seizures that led to
loss of consciousness. Everyone initially thought I’d developed epilepsy. The panic attack in 2006, during which I blacked out and got sent to the hospital in a ambulance from
a naval base, led to me going onto permanently disability. I still have problems with the panic attacks, anxiety, and depression to this day.

Q. I feel stupid, but it occurs to me that I have never really asked you in much detail about the awful traumatic shit that you endured/saw while you served in the army...I ask as I
think it will add depth to the narrative especially the terrible anxiety and panic attacks that you were having when you left...are there any incidents that stand out to you? or, feel
free to list all the awful shit if that's easier
Q. I served in Germany during the height of the Cold War with the Soviets as a 19-year-old, wondering and worrying about mutual nuclear self destruction. I nearly had my head
crushed by a tank hatch during a field training exercise at Fort Bliss, TX. I deployed within 24 hours to Kuwait for Operation Vigilant Warrior, fearing death. I deployed to
Hungary for the Bosnia campaign. Working on and around heavy equipment and armored vehicles in a military environment was a very dangerous occupation. I’ve got lung
and sinus damage from riding in numerous convoys with dust so thick that it was all you could do to see the vehicle a short distance in front of you. I was exposed to asbestos
and lots of toxic chemicals such as solvents in the maintenance shops. But none of it scared me more than the threat of discharge for being gay or transgender. Suicide was
my backup plan. I planned to kill myself before they could discharge me back in those days. I was worth more dead than alive with the military’s $200,000 (at the time)
insurance policy, I had a family I was responsible for supporting. I wasn’t leaving with “homosexual” stamped on my discharge.

Q. There were some details from your childhood/youth that I thought were very important to your story that I would love to be able to write about sensitively and precisely...I
never asked you much about your brother's suicide...Do you know exactly what happened (as much as you'd like to share, I am listening...) Am I right that this was when you
were in the army/had left home? Were you especially close to that brother?
A. My younger brother's suicide was painful. It occurred in 1993 while I was stationed at Fort Hood, Tx. I was a staff sergeant/E6 at the time, working at the depot rebuilding
transmissions for the Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Because he gave off all the classic warning signs such as selling off and giving away his possessions and the fact that I had
been extensively trained on suicide prevention by the military it made it all the more painful. My family didn't recognize these symptoms and behaviors but I would have. I hadn't
been around him in years at this point because it was 11 years into my military career, but I knew from family conversations that he was heavily involved in drugs and alcohol.
He had fathered a child and struggled to support the kid, a son. His relationship with the child's mother hadn't gone well. He bounced around in construction jobs with a tough
crowd. He shot himself in the head with a shotgun in his car in a farm field. One of my other brother's, the one three years younger than him that's currently in prison for heroin
dealing found him. I often wondered if he too was sexually abused by the uncle that molested me?

I never clicked with this brother. Things such as fixing cars came easy to me and he struggled with most things. After his suicide, I felt bad that I'd often resented him for that
reason while growing up. He also had a violent streak which kind of freaked me out. I once witnessed him savagely whack another kid in the head with a big stick one day
during a disagreement while we were teenagers. I was never comfortable around him after that.

Q Another detail from your childhood that I thought was important to your story was that haunting specter of the gay hairdresser who was killed when you were a kid-- do you
remember or have any more information about exactly what happened to him/how he died -- was he murdered? was his killing a hate crime, or did it just stand out to you
because you saw that someone who was different ended up suffering? I ask just because I feel like it really helps to add depth/texture to the environment that you grew up in ...
A. I looked up the news story, the hairdresser was actually killed in 2006 while I was still coming to terms with my sexuality and gender issues. The news article doesn't state
why. I think of the years between my retirement in 2000 and 2013 when I started to transition as the "lost years" because I stayed in a deep state of anxiety, depression, and
denial about who and what I am. I was totally closeted and still in denial.
http://somd.com/news/headlines/2007/6741.php
The background on this is when I was a teen I used to go get my hair cut often at his salon. It's where I got my perm as a teenager. He was working in the chair nearby as I got
it. My Mother and lots of other women and girls in the community also got their hair done there. And in hushed tones, but no so hushed from my Mother, a significant number of
these women all accused this hairdresser of being effeminate and gay. He certainly struck me that way as well also. And while I was growing up all things gay were terribly bad
and to be avoided. His murder has always left a major traumatic impression on me because while growing up he was the only person in my entire childhood, outside of the
uncle who molested me, that was gay. And then he ultimately got killed, which was the message to me from society my whole life: society does bad things to gay people and
people who break gender norms, because they deserve it.

Q Again, a detail that I thought was important and would like to flesh out a bit (excuse the pun!) that first time that you wore female under garments when you were living in
Killeen -- how did you feel when you wore them?
A. I can still remember a few occasions of doing that in Killeen, Tx while stationed at Fort Hood. I remember that I had bought Sandy a matching purple and black lingerie set
which consisted of a bra, panties, garters, and stockings, naively thinking that she would like it. She certainly had the body for it. And I very much remember how much she
disliked it. She's always disliked feminine clothing. Back in those days she would wear my men's Levis and t-shirts. Sandy would only ever wear the lingerie outfit if I bugged
her about it. But after awhile I started thinking about wearing it myself and I eventually did. I liked the experience, it felt good and natural, especially back then when my body
was young and really slender.
At first I was quite scared of getting caught wearing the lingerie items, so I would put them on in the bathroom in case Sandy or someone else came to the house. At the time
my younger brother was also stationed at Fort Hood and he had a door key. And I actually did get caught to a certain extent on one occasion. It was the first time I'd ever
experimented with a dildo. I remember being in the outfit while laying on the bathroom rug and experimenting with the dildo, which really hurt because I'd never had anal sex
before, and I heard someone come in the house, then leave. Which had to have been my brother. On another occasion I'd asked Sandy to wear the outfit for sex and she
instead surprisingly told me to wear instead. Which really shocked me. But we had sex like that. She wore nothing and I wore the lingerie.
Our modern day relationship has progressed where she now frequently wears a strap on and takes on the masculine, dominant role during sex. Her arousal levels indicate that
she seems to immensely enjoy the power dynamics of it.
Q. I'd also love to know, when you were reading the Vitale article back in 2013 (is that date correct?) did you most identify with any of the 3 types she details..?
A. Correct, early February, 2013. I was mostly in group three with some serious caveats, but to an extent a bit of group one also based on my childhood behavior. So a mix of
one and three (screaming and throwing tantrums about getting my hair cut short at young ages; getting slapped and called a sissy by my Mother for feminine behaviors; getting

the hair perm; preferring the company of girls; wearing gender bender stuff like a sleeveless leopard shirt as a teen; being internally tortured by the fact while I knew the sexual
abuse was horribly wrong I wasn't bothered that another male had sexually touched and fondled me and made me touch him.). But the biggest is I didn't identify as a female
growing up. I didn't know what I was. I just always "felt different" from my male peers. Very different And my sister wasn't born until I was going into the military, so I wasn't
around females at home other than my Mother. My Mother isn't feminine at all. Vitale's essay, along with trans people on Reddit, led me to believe these feelings and
experiences meant that I was really female, and had been all along. That this was my problem and answer to everything wrong with me and my mental health. And that there
were only males and females, which is a real injustice to people seeking this type of information on the Internet from a so-called professional.
Vitale's work fits the modern day narrative of western trans medicine and says nothing about the third gender origins of transgenderism, which I more closely align with. All of
my harsh familial, military, and societal experiences from birth through military retirement left me so largely terrified to explore because of the severe repercussions that I was
incredibly naive until 2013. When at the age of 49 it all exploded and couldn't be contained anymore. At that point I was rock bottom. I no longer cared what the costs where. It
was suicide or come out.
"Group Three (G3) is composed of natal males who identify as female but who act and appear normally male. We can hypothesize that prenatal androgenization was sufficient
to allow these individuals to appear and
act normally as males but insufficient to establish a firm male gender identity. For these female-identified males, the result is a more complicated and insidious sex/gender
discontinuity. Typically, from earliest childhood these individuals suffer increasingly painful and chronic gender dysphoria. They tend to live secretive lives, often making
increasingly stronger attempts to convince themselves and others that they are male."
"The story is very different for Group Three. In the hope of ridding themselves of their dysphoria they tend to invest heavily in typical male activities. Being largely heterosexual,
they marry and have children, hold advanced educational degrees and are involved at high levels of corporate and academic cultures. These are the invisible or cloistered
gender dysphorics. They develop an aura of deep secrecy based on shame and risk of ridicule and their secret desire to be female is protected at all costs. The risk of being
found out adds to the psychological and physiological pressures they experience. Transitioning from this deeply entrenched defensive position is very difficult. The irony here
is that gender dysphoric symptoms appear to worsen in direct proportion to their self-enforced entrenchment in the male world. The further an individual gets from believing he
can ever live as a female, the more acute and disruptive his dysphoria becomes."
I don't fit the narrative of going into the military to "man up" like lots of trans women describe. I went purely for economic reasons mainly, and just to get out of redneck southern
Maryland. I really wanted to see and experience the world. I didn't see a future in southern Maryland for me. I also wasn't "largely heterosexual", that I had no real control over. I
was mistreated by mother growing up and then forced to be straight under the threat of the military justice system. The AIDS epidemic didn't help any either. The rest of group
three description is fairly accurate.
OK.. I'll shut up now! Thanks for making it through this! I can't wait to hear back (and of course take your time,I know I just threw a lot at you..) as always tell me anything else you
feel is important...I am listening!
XO
A. Now far into this journey, my statement in the NY Times article about my court victory are significant and somewhat parallel to the oft cited study findings that given a chance
to explore something like 80% of kids desist from thinking they are female or male, opposite of their birth sex. As time went by that fits me. Given the chance to explore gender
and my sexual orientation, I eventually learned my way out of thinking I was a female. But I wasn't able to do the exploring until age 49, which is horribly tragic.
Now over the mental health meltdown from the hormones, I'm back to thinking that the non-binary space is the best place for me, and those like me. Because we'll never fit into
the established cultural and societal norms.
From the Times piece: “I was denied the right as a child and while in the military to ever explore my gender identity because of the hostility of society for violating gender norms
or for expressing any form of gender variance,” Jamie said in an email. “So I was literally doing in my 40s and early 50s what children are doing nowadays.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/14/us/oregon-nonbinary-transgender-sex-gender.html

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